Okay! I’m going to listen to Lulu and write down my feelingz!

Track 1: Brandenberg Gate

First 40ish seconds are very low-key, standard post-Ecstasy acoustic Lou Reediness, with weird sex/art references that would be “shocking” if it wasn’t so par for the course.

After about a minute, they put the “Tallica” stamp on there—but it isn’t that different from a lot of other late-80’s/early 90’s Lou. (I’m thinking New York-era, with this specific sort of hardness showing up into Set The Twilight Reeling) I’m guessing this is something Lou wrote on his own and then brought in Metallica? They’re distinguished primarily through James Hetfield howling “Small town girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrllllllll” throughout the back half of the song (effectively!) and how totally hard Lars Ulrich hits his drums. If the whole album is like this, I’m going to enjoy the next hour and a half. 

BUT…

Track 2: The View

Ahh, the single. You’ve probably already heard it, so you know what’s going on. Lou puts a pretty strong vocal spoken word performance over a super-heavy/super-sludgy VERY Metallica riff (from what I remember about Metallica when I was listening to them a lot in middle school. I was never a very good Metallica fan).

I don’t think it’s as bad as a lot of other people do. I find the whole “I am the roof/table/tablet” bit pretty enjoyable. 

Still, it’s sort of a punishing thing to listen to, even at (only) 5 minutes. If the whole album is like THIS, my ears are going to be very tired by the next hour and a half.

Track 3: Pumping Blood

On an album chock full of really exciting song titles, Pumping Blood is pretty exciting. This sounds more like a collaboration than either of the first two tracks.

There’s a sort of subtle feedbacky guitar line holding the song together, and Lou’s croak rides it really well. Then I wonder if this just sounds like Tool?

Lou’s still got some “great” lines—“Supreme violation/blood in the foyer” etc. “Oh Jack I beseech you!/In the end it was an ordinary heart!” But it’s genuinely exciting. Like it gets my BLOOD PUMPING!

This is the part where I tweeted “Guys, I’m really enjoying Lulu, and I don’t care who knows it.” We’ll see if that holds up.

Track 4: Mistress Dread

Another great title! What I like about Pumping Blood and Mistress Dread is that they both sound like plausible titles that either party could have had kicking around. This definitely has more of a “speed metal” feel. I don’t think I could handle any of this song in Rock Band except Lou’s very slow, murmuring vocal.

Lou Reed is known for his disaffected vocal styling, but on Lulu he almost sounds possessed. He doesn’t sound like he wrote these words so much as it sounds like they’re just coming out of him—which is a real achievement for someone who can often come across as very self-impressed.

Key lines: “I’m a woman who likes men.”/”I wish there was a strap of blood (or love?) that you could kiss away”.

Ultimately, though, this song goes on longer than I’m comfortable typing.

Track 5: Iced Honey

Sounds like an Ecstasy outtake. I think that’s a good thing. James Hetfield’s backing vocals, which I hadn’t noticed since “The View,” are back in full effect here. He sounds like he’s trying to emote for two when he joins Lou to say the title of the song.

In other news, this exists. I haven’t pre-ordered Lulu because there are so many different versions, it doesn’t seem clear to me which one the correct one to order is. I guess I’ll get that one?

Track 6: Cheat On Me

Ahh, this is the first of three 10+ minute songs on the album (the others are the last two songs on this album, which, taken together, are only 4 minutes shorter than Transformer.)

It’s a very slow-build for the first four minutes, as Lou wonders to himself “Why do I cheat on me?” The line isn’t as clever as his delivery would suggest (a tic Lou shares with Elvis Costello—but that’s an entirely different feeling(z)).

Still, Metallica are showing pretty good restraint as they lumber along under Lou’s musings, and he sounds very confident with a more menacing backing.

Also interesting: This song gives us a chance to compare Lou & Hetfield’s respective deliveries, as they each get a chance to ask “Why do I cheat on me”—Lou, clearly, is dryly threatening. It’s what he’s best at. Hetfield, on the other hand, really stretches out the vowels into a “Wha do I cheeeeeeeeeeet on maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy” (or sometimes, “maaaaaaaaaaaayyyayyyyyyyyyyy”). The vocals to this song actually sound like they may have come out of a jam session or something and never re-written.

Still, this Jam session is a lot better than the one that started all this:

Track 7: Frustration

At this point, it’s pretty clear what’s going on with Loutallica. You know what you’re going to get, and you either like it or you don’t.

One of the reasons I was excited about this album was that Lou Reed does great bad albums better than anyone I can think of. Honestly, his solo career has so many weird dead ends that listening through it almost feels like watching a Roomba try to navigate its way around the base of a very low lamp. He’s always on a “comeback” and trying to make a grand gesture, whether it’s working with Bob Ezrin or David Bowie, writing a mess of songs about Edgar Allen Poe, dying his hair blonde, going “back to basics,” or selling out… or whatever. Sometimes he’s doing a couple of those at a time! And they’re great!

Anyway, I don’t have much to say about the song Frustration.

Track 8: Little Dog

This one starts out low-key again… has a bit of a Lateralus feel again (maybe Tool was just copping moves from Metallica though? I don’t know either well enough). So I’m going to continue my Lou Reed-as-Roomba analogy.

You watch this thing basically humping a lamp, turning and turning around in circles, not quite being able to figure out quite how to do exactly what it means to. It’s almost like it has a limp to it. But you’re transfixed!

And then you think about it—a robot that vacuums the floor! A voice like death, talking almost exclusively about repulsive things! And then when he hits a sweet spot—an “I’ll Be Your Mirror” or “Perfect Day” or “Baton Rouge” or “Coney Island Baby” or “Riptide”… and man, it’s as sweet as a Roomba on an open floor.

Little Dog is a weird song.

Sounds like Lou is making fun of a dog. It might be a metaphor.

Still, six minutes in, it hasn’t started thrashing around—and it sounds like it will stay like this.

Track 9: Dragon

Second-to-last song! I’m not nearly as tired of this album as I expected to be by this point—but I suppose there’s still 30 more minutes to get through.

Little Dog did not turn into a thrashfest, and Dragon starts out on the same tip. The ebow-y guitar drone from Pumping Blood is back, as Lou talks about hallucinations for the first few minutes.

“Oh you think you’re so special/that there’s no law meant for you”—Hey, it’s like he’s talking about Loutallica, THE BEST THING DONE BY ANYONE, EVER. 

Bam, at 2:45, Lou drops an f-bomb and suddenly the ‘Tallica is back. The thing about this album is, though, it somehow reduces Metallica to a fairly standard Lou Reed backup band, and in most instances, the primary way they remind you that it’s Metallica, and not Fernando & the boys is Lars’ drums. Which is weird. I thought how short and annoying he was is his main distinction.

But apparently he’s got a real style?

Who knew? (I think the answer will turn to to be “people who like metal”)

Track 10: Junior Dad

This is the song that everyone is going to agree is the best, right? It’s easily the mellowest (at least in the first 3 minutes), without being a “Baton Rouge”. Lou’s singing, coupled with the weirdly optimistic lead guitar line sound like the sun peeking out from behind a particularly dour set of clouds. They’re no longer ferocious or threatening—instead, Loutallica remind me more of my cat (also named Lou Reed), who spends most of his day biting our other cat (not named Metallica—yet), then crawls up in your lap and forces you to pet it.

The first six minutes would make a perfect closing song for an album, but I can’t help but feeling that Loutallica won’t let us off that easily. There’s going to be another shoe, right?

UPDATE: THIS SHOE IS NOT GOING TO DROP

Around 7 1/2 minutes in, a guitar line sneaks in that sounds like the main riff on Age of Consent. It’s got that quick hammer that’s so distinctive when New Order pull it out, but still sounds like Loutallica. There’s a bit of a “thump! thump!” that the band do from time to time, and I can’t help but feel that bit will explode in the next 10 minutes, but this isn’t going to thrash.

Sort of reminds me of “Set The Twilight Reeling” (the song, not the album)… it’s beautiful, optimistic, and just keeps going. The song could have ended at 8 minutes, but now I’m at 9:50, and I’m happy for them to just keep going, jamming out on that cute riff.

Junior Dad is totally the 19-and-a-half minute hit single.

UPDATE #2: Apparently the back half of Junior Dad is just a guitar drone that turns into a lovely sustained note by a string quartet(!). If those cellos aren’t being played by Metallica, I will be pissed. BETTER BUY THE LOUTUBE AND LOOK FOR PICTURES!

(Source: loureedmetallica.com)